Don’t Tolerate Verbal Abuse

Over the weekend, I was telling my Husband about the last few posts I had posted. He asked me to read a few comments and emails I had received. I read a selected few, which really touched him deeply. He was astonished how much impact this blog was making. He really encouraged me to keep writing.

I still remember when we visited India once, and Sneha my daughter was maybe 4-5 years old. We were traveling to Mysore, and there was an accident on the highway and a big fight. The driver of the bus was using all choice words in Kannada language. Sneha kept repeating each word and asking me and her Father the meaning of those words. We kept trying to divert her attention, and saying those are bad words and shouldn’t be used. You all might have faced similar situation.

If you are parent, make sure you do not use these words in your house. I know many movies and TV series air these words, change the channel. Turn off the TV. Let your kids know using these words is unacceptable. Be strict about anyone else using these words. If you see someone jokingly use these words also, you be the bad person and say ” I don’t think we should be laughing at these words, maybe we should tell them using these words will put them in trouble”.

I still remember the very first month I moved here to US, and one of the Managers used the “F…” word. I went straight to the HR Manager and complained. I didn’t know it was and can be used jokingly. I don’t care. Many use these words and say ” Forgive my French, please”. I say, “I will not please”.

This is one of the topics which troubles me very deeply. It has become very common to see people verbally abusing their spouses, parents, relatives, colleagues, etc etc.  In a dream world, we all  get along well, all are happy, everyone is nice to each other. However, when we wake up in the morning, the same dream is shattered and we are brought back to this earth where many use abusive language when things don’t go their way. This can happen to anyone, rich, poor, intelligent, educated, Doctor, Engineer or any other background or career. There is no cast, color or creed here.

It is OK to get angry, it is OK to argue, it is OK also to disagree and it is even OK to have a huge fight. They say healthy arguments actually can make your relationships even more healthier. Who knew, right?

However, it is not OK to use abusive language. No religion or God accepts this behavior. A few choice words used, can create a lasting impression in ones mind. So, be very careful when you are not in your good mood.

Abuse can happen at any place. At work, at home, at a shop, at a restaurant. So, there is no pattern here.

The use of abusive language is not restricted to one gender either, there are abusive men and so are woman. If you, or your loved one, or your colleague is getting abused verbally, and you are witnessing the same, here are some things to consider.

The person who is using abusive language is usually very short tempered. They have the entire abusive dictionary at their disposal. They don’t seem to recognize who is in front of them. Nothing matters to them than to start shooting these abusive words.

Do not at any cost repeat those words back. This will make matters worse. And the most important, there will be no difference between you and the abusive person. Mark this words down, no repeating.

Don’t get angry and start shouting back. Be calm, and in a soft voice tell them the language they are using is not OK with you. And tell them you will come back and talk to them when they are in a good mood. Leave the room. Not the house, just room.

Do not tell them this is their parents fault. No parent wants his/her child to be abusive. This is again very wrong. There are very rare cases where the entire family is abusive. This is very rare, so do not bring family history.

Even if it was your mistake starting the fight, you are  NOT responsible for the abusive language. At no cost should anyone use these kind of languages. So, don’t ever feel guilty.

This person who is using these abusive words, usually will have some problem. Either at work, maybe inferiority complex, or some other short comings because of which they are trying to show they are above one and all. This person wants to control everything, and when they are unable to do so, use this kind of language.

When all is well, talk to person and tell them how much the language hurts you. Ask them if they need help. Ask them why they feel they need to use this language.

See if you can find a pattern. If you see the same pattern over and over again, maybe it is time for Anger Management classes or counseling. Note down what triggered this abusive behavior, see if you can avoid it.

Talk to close relatives and friends. Many people want to hide the abuse, but it only becomes worse. Make sure you have a great support of people who can help you.

This person is physically OK, but mentally sick. He/She needs to sit with a counselor and discuss the issues they are facing.

If nothing works, than you know what is the last resort? Hope it doesn’t get to this point.

Let me leave you all with some amazing quotes from Swami Vivekananda, and Buddh

Buddha – Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Swami Vivekananda – We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.

20 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kamala Raghunath on February 3, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    Well said Meeraji! I think the series of articles you have been writing are a super hit!!


  2. Posted by V. Gopal on February 3, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Ver well said!


  3. Posted by Thammanna.P.S on February 3, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Bad words no doubt hurts. But do we have a choice? Can we correct the whole world? I have copied a statement from a book which reads like:
    Once Sri Buddha was abused while he was asking for alms.
    His disciple got angry and asked Sri Buddha, ” Shall I give a piece of my mind?”
    Sri Buddha said, “If you have taken anything, you have to return it. Since I have not taken anything, I do not have to give back anything”
    Some times we have to live like the water droplets on the Lotus leaf, un-attached with out getting wet or Dry.


    • Posted by meeraghu on February 4, 2015 at 7:44 am

      Yes,we do have a choice. We do not tolerate abuse. If we all become like Buddha, there would be no abuse at all.


  4. Great Article.Thanks for sharing your thoughts


  5. Very wise and nice quotings for today’s world of turmoil. Though it is extremely difficult to get rid of one’s nature, practice to control one’s tongue is quite essential. Without getting enraged also, we can express our views in a decent manner in strong terms. This is also good for hyper tension patients (like me). When I was seeing TV serials in US, I was quite shocked with the free use of ‘abusive’ words, nor even Jesus was spared! When I asked my son, he said its common here.


  6. Posted by K G Bhimsen Doss on February 4, 2015 at 9:07 am

    I fully agree with you on this.
    Let me tell you my own experience. We had just moved to Kanpur (in 1943) and I was about ten years old. All of us – myself, my parents, and my grand mother were trying to learn Hindi.
    In some casual talk with a friend I used a “bad” word (I would not like to repeat it even in this narration). In fact I did not know the meaning of that “bad” word. I just used it because some other friends used to use that word quite frequently. My friend – who was a couple of years younger than me advised me and said “You are the son of a great scientist and you are from a very good family. Please do not use such foul words.”.
    From that day on wards I decided to completely avoid using such words and am still sticking to it. I am happy that my friend gave me such a sound advice and I consider myself lucky that SRI HARI gave me the wisdom (at the age of 10) to take a decision not to use such language.
    Let me add that the atmosphere in our house also helped me in this.


    • Posted by meeraghu on February 4, 2015 at 9:11 am

      Completely agree. Thanks for sharing. I have heard lot of people saying they are great devotees and using this foul language. I am surprised they don’t realize the grave mistake they are doing?


  7. Posted by P B Srinivasa Rao on February 4, 2015 at 10:37 am

    Thank you madam  You are 100% correct.   Every  human being should follow your valuble suggestions/points carefully and  sincerely  at all timesp b s rao


  8. Posted by Pratima Madhav on February 4, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Hmmm…..this is a serious issue and unfortunately is becoming more common these days. People who realize that the usage of such words does nothing but reflects our own character to others ,……can be counted on fingers.

    From my experience, people think it’s a kind of a ‘fashion’ of using abusive words in their conversations or a few come to you and apologize later saying ‘I was stressed out’ so vented out on you. In both scenarios no justifications can be accepted.

    As a parent, I teach and educate my child within my capacity, about the issue. But often ‘am very scared of the School environment and the type of friends my child would meet etc. during the growing years. Maintaining an appropriate atmosphere at home is the least we all can do. And tolerance is always a big NO, be it at home or any other place.

    Thank you for bringing up and discussing such issues Meeraji.
    -Praitma Madhav.


  9. Posted by shanthisethuraman on February 5, 2015 at 4:28 am

    Nice Topic Äbuse”. If you abuse someone, it means you are hurting them mentally, emotionally, and physically. If someone are harming you, you are yourself suffering from abuse, So we should make the environment without listening abuse words from anywhere. I agree with Vivekananda Swami Vivekananda – We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.
    So our thoughts should be good so that our action will also be good.
    Good thoughts like Mirror without dust, so that it reflects bright like our mind.


  10. Posted by Srinivasan K on February 5, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    thanks for the letter. This abusing is liked by bosses to get the job done in INDIA AND NO ONE CAN STRAIGHTEN THE DOG’s tail.


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