Don’t Tolerate Verbal Abuse

Over the weekend, I was telling my Husband about the last few posts I had posted. He asked me to read a few comments and emails I had received. I read a selected few, which really touched him deeply. He was astonished how much impact this blog was making. He really encouraged me to keep writing.

I still remember when we visited India once, and Sneha my daughter was maybe 4-5 years old. We were traveling to Mysore, and there was an accident on the highway and a big fight. The driver of the bus was using all choice words in Kannada language. Sneha kept repeating each word and asking me and her Father the meaning of those words. We kept trying to divert her attention, and saying those are bad words and shouldn’t be used. You all might have faced similar situation.

If you are parent, make sure you do not use these words in your house. I know many movies and TV series air these words, change the channel. Turn off the TV. Let your kids know using these words is unacceptable. Be strict about anyone else using these words. If you see someone jokingly use these words also, you be the bad person and say ” I don’t think we should be laughing at these words, maybe we should tell them using these words will put them in trouble”.

I still remember the very first month I moved here to US, and one of the Managers used the “F…” word. I went straight to the HR Manager and complained. I didn’t know it was and can be used jokingly. I don’t care. Many use these words and say ” Forgive my French, please”. I say, “I will not please”.

This is one of the topics which troubles me very deeply. It has become very common to see people verbally abusing their spouses, parents, relatives, colleagues, etc etc.  In a dream world, we all  get along well, all are happy, everyone is nice to each other. However, when we wake up in the morning, the same dream is shattered and we are brought back to this earth where many use abusive language when things don’t go their way. This can happen to anyone, rich, poor, intelligent, educated, Doctor, Engineer or any other background or career. There is no cast, color or creed here.

It is OK to get angry, it is OK to argue, it is OK also to disagree and it is even OK to have a huge fight. They say healthy arguments actually can make your relationships even more healthier. Who knew, right?

However, it is not OK to use abusive language. No religion or God accepts this behavior. A few choice words used, can create a lasting impression in ones mind. So, be very careful when you are not in your good mood.

Abuse can happen at any place. At work, at home, at a shop, at a restaurant. So, there is no pattern here.

The use of abusive language is not restricted to one gender either, there are abusive men and so are woman. If you, or your loved one, or your colleague is getting abused verbally, and you are witnessing the same, here are some things to consider.

The person who is using abusive language is usually very short tempered. They have the entire abusive dictionary at their disposal. They don’t seem to recognize who is in front of them. Nothing matters to them than to start shooting these abusive words.

Do not at any cost repeat those words back. This will make matters worse. And the most important, there will be no difference between you and the abusive person. Mark this words down, no repeating.

Don’t get angry and start shouting back. Be calm, and in a soft voice tell them the language they are using is not OK with you. And tell them you will come back and talk to them when they are in a good mood. Leave the room. Not the house, just room.

Do not tell them this is their parents fault. No parent wants his/her child to be abusive. This is again very wrong. There are very rare cases where the entire family is abusive. This is very rare, so do not bring family history.

Even if it was your mistake starting the fight, you are  NOT responsible for the abusive language. At no cost should anyone use these kind of languages. So, don’t ever feel guilty.

This person who is using these abusive words, usually will have some problem. Either at work, maybe inferiority complex, or some other short comings because of which they are trying to show they are above one and all. This person wants to control everything, and when they are unable to do so, use this kind of language.

When all is well, talk to person and tell them how much the language hurts you. Ask them if they need help. Ask them why they feel they need to use this language.

See if you can find a pattern. If you see the same pattern over and over again, maybe it is time for Anger Management classes or counseling. Note down what triggered this abusive behavior, see if you can avoid it.

Talk to close relatives and friends. Many people want to hide the abuse, but it only becomes worse. Make sure you have a great support of people who can help you.

This person is physically OK, but mentally sick. He/She needs to sit with a counselor and discuss the issues they are facing.

If nothing works, than you know what is the last resort? Hope it doesn’t get to this point.

Let me leave you all with some amazing quotes from Swami Vivekananda, and Buddh

Buddha – Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Swami Vivekananda – We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.